It's the first weekend in August, it's hot and I'm overworked and tired. Very tired. And really struggling with so many issues. It seems like just about everything in my personal life has bottomed out, and I'm overwhelmed.
My friends had talked about going to the beach for a few days all summer. I told them I couldn't take an entire week of vacation, but that I could do a long weekend, and I was really looking forward to getting away. The ONLY time I've taken off this summer was Memorial Day - when I went to Johnstown with my daughter - and 2 days a few weeks ago to go to the SW VA mountains with two friends. I tried to plan a trip for all of us to go spend up to a week at the Mountain House, including over my birthday, but no one wanted to go. So I cancelled it (and at least one of my friends seemed happy that I did). My feelings were a bit hurt, but I went on, because I know that not everyone loves that place as much as I do. I really was looking forward to spending my birthday there, but it just wasn't meant to be. My boss's wife is scheduled for a C-section tomorrow (their 3rd baby), and I knew that of all the weeks in the summer, that would be the one week that I couldn't take off. I stated that frequently, as they hemmed and hawed around about setting a date for this trip. Well, you guessed it, they are planning it for this next week and of course I cannot go. And they actually seemed surprised when I said that I couldn't. I am hurt and disappointed about the trip, but this is much deeper. I'm starting to question these friendships. At one time, I felt that these women were sisters, and were as important to me as family - and I felt that I was to them. But I certainly don't feel that way now. There's been several other small issues come up over the past few months that have added to my feelings, of course. Sometimes it seems that things that matter to me aren't very important to them, and they don't take my concerns seriously. I feel very little or no support for some of the things I believe are important. And that hurts me a lot. Bottom line, these women are pretty much my ONLY friends, and that's my fault. I've let a lot of other relationships slide because I felt these were more important. But I think I've done the proverbial "put all my eggs in one basket", and now I'm feeling it.
The same thing carries through to work, to work at the fabric shop and even to choir. I feel like I've let so many things slide, and now I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Yes, this is my fault - I take responsibility for that- but what do I do about it. And that's where I am right now, really struggling with it. How can I turn this around and make my life better, make it fuller and rich with the friendships that I have always treasured.
I'm trying hard not to dwell on any of this, but it is hard. They're excitedly talking about the trip that I cannot go on, and next week will be talking about it and that will hurt too. In the past, on of my friends had made the statement that if we all can't go, none of us should. Now, I don't feel that way at all, I really don't. But I know that I would NEVER have planned a trip knowingly excluding one of them. And I can't let go of the fact that they've done exactly that. Yes, I did tell one of them how I felt and I'm pretty sure she has shared that with the other two women. I got an email from one with a lot of excuses about why it is so hard for us to all get together, but I think that's BS. This is the ONLY week for the entire summer that I couldn't go, and they chose to disregard that. I think it's rude, and I would never have done that to one of them. So what do I do, and how do I go on?
I'm trying to stay busy but it's tough. I feel like crying pretty much constantly, and that's not good. Throw in a few other issues for me (my unhappiness with my weight, my genuine concerns for my financial future, not to mention the whole allergy thing) and I'm really floundering. If I continue feeling like this, I will seek out some counseling, because I value that help.
Life goes on, and so must I. It's not the end of the world, and I know it will work out in time.
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