Well I've manged to not blog for over a week, and that's not good. Doing this is really helpful, and I really need the help right now. I am trying hard to be ok with the loss of the relationship with S, and sometimes I even convince myself that I'm fine, I'm over him, and that he wasn't all that wonderful anyway. But, to be honest I just don't believe it. The past couple days have been real tough and I'm not sure why. I'm not sleeping well and that's adding to it all. I'm not sure why that's happening but if it's still that way when I have my scheduled physical with my doctor next month, I will discuss it with her. But for right now I'm just trying to get through one day at a time. Work has been very stressful and, that, added to lack of sleep, well, I'm just plain tired. But I know its' more than that - having dealt with depression previously, I suspect that I'm teetering on the brink. Being aware of that is a good step in the right direction, and I know what I need to do to help myself. But I'm giving myself a few days to just feel as miserable as I want to and, hopefully, get it out of my system.
I know I shouldn't feel this way - the relationship wasn't all that wonderful, and was pretty one-sided, now that I look at it with my new perspective. I gave a whole lot more than I ever got back from him, and I should have known better than to fall in love with someone who was so recently out a marriage, not yet divorced, and certainly not emotionally separated from his wife, in spite of his attempts at convincing me he was. But I did love him, and it really hurts. For him to just disappear without a word, after such a long time is particularly difficult to swallow. What did I do wrong? Was it me? Or is it simply that he doesn't know what (or who) he wants? That's my belief.
I'm trying hard to put it all past me and go on. But I miss my friend - the person I could talk to about anything. There are things I told him that I never told ANYONE, and I miss that friend. Looking back, I can see that things had changed, that there was some distance between us for the past couple of months so I should have guessed he was moving on. I just never expected it to be so abrupt, so unkind, so painful.
I'm back on the Internet dating sites, talking to a couple of people and met one for dinner but haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks. I suspect that I won't. Oh well, he was a bit short (and young) for my tastes anyway - and had young-ish kids. Not something I want to deal with. Another fellow seems really good but lives several hours away and I don' t see how that could work. But talking to him online, when I can, is nice - at least I feel that someone cares. And right now that helps.
Now, on to the RAT that I was married to. I met with the attorney last week and learned that I am totally screwed. Because our separation agreement was not notarized and filed in court, it is not valid and wouldn't hold up in court. And because I didn't file a Domestic Relations Order at the time of the divorce (I knew nothing about it), I have absolutely no claim to any of his pension or anything else. So now I'm faced with the probability of never being able to retire because I can't afford to. My mortgage won't be paid off until I am 81 years old! I will be working as the Walmart Greeter until I am 90. This really stinks. My friend Kay pointed out that at least I found it out now, and NOT when I was 65 and ready to retire, which is true. So I can try to plan accordingly. But at least, for now, I have a lovely home, drive a descent car, have good friends, and my kids love (and like) me. And that's a lot of good, and I am thankful for that.
I know I shouldn't feel this way - the relationship wasn't all that wonderful, and was pretty one-sided, now that I look at it with my new perspective. I gave a whole lot more than I ever got back from him, and I should have known better than to fall in love with someone who was so recently out a marriage, not yet divorced, and certainly not emotionally separated from his wife, in spite of his attempts at convincing me he was. But I did love him, and it really hurts. For him to just disappear without a word, after such a long time is particularly difficult to swallow. What did I do wrong? Was it me? Or is it simply that he doesn't know what (or who) he wants? That's my belief.
I'm trying hard to put it all past me and go on. But I miss my friend - the person I could talk to about anything. There are things I told him that I never told ANYONE, and I miss that friend. Looking back, I can see that things had changed, that there was some distance between us for the past couple of months so I should have guessed he was moving on. I just never expected it to be so abrupt, so unkind, so painful.
I'm back on the Internet dating sites, talking to a couple of people and met one for dinner but haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks. I suspect that I won't. Oh well, he was a bit short (and young) for my tastes anyway - and had young-ish kids. Not something I want to deal with. Another fellow seems really good but lives several hours away and I don' t see how that could work. But talking to him online, when I can, is nice - at least I feel that someone cares. And right now that helps.
Now, on to the RAT that I was married to. I met with the attorney last week and learned that I am totally screwed. Because our separation agreement was not notarized and filed in court, it is not valid and wouldn't hold up in court. And because I didn't file a Domestic Relations Order at the time of the divorce (I knew nothing about it), I have absolutely no claim to any of his pension or anything else. So now I'm faced with the probability of never being able to retire because I can't afford to. My mortgage won't be paid off until I am 81 years old! I will be working as the Walmart Greeter until I am 90. This really stinks. My friend Kay pointed out that at least I found it out now, and NOT when I was 65 and ready to retire, which is true. So I can try to plan accordingly. But at least, for now, I have a lovely home, drive a descent car, have good friends, and my kids love (and like) me. And that's a lot of good, and I am thankful for that.
